A good time for a change

Since Mum died in late October 2008, life has not been much fun.  The grief itself and the funeral knocked me for six, and I remember thinking 'if I can just get past the funeral, things will settle down and go back to normal.'  And then I got ill, and I thought 'things will improve once I get better.'  And then I volunteered to put together this anthology, and that's been the most stressful thing I've done in years and I've been sick with worry over it, but I thought 'if I can just get it over with, things will get better.'  And then I had my operation to put the implant in, and that still hasn't healed, and my face still throbs, and there's now what looks like an ulcer over one of the cuts in the gum and I remain convinced that the cut is infected, but the dentist is on holiday until Friday.  And I thought 'but it will still be nice to have a holiday over Christmas'.  And then I got the flu and spent most of Christmas in bed, unable to eat.  I still have no energy and my legs wobble when I try to stand up.  The question is, do I tell myself 'it'll be better next year'?  Next year is tomorrow, and as of now I don't believe it will.

I guess it's good to end the year about as far down as I can go.  Except that actually I can imagine numerous ways in which it could carry on getting worse.  I just feel that there's not a lot of resilience left in me to cope if it does.  (And this is what I sound like after I've sat in front of my light-box for half an hour!)  Is there anything I can do, or do I just buckle in and carry on waiting to stop being ill and depressed.  Will it happen, if I do?